Could you be “framed”? New book reveals how victims of domestic violence are tried in family court

Could you be “framed”? New book reveals how victims of domestic violence are tried in family court

“Belittling ourselves to accommodate the anger of others does not end well. I had to lose everything to learn this, but that doesn’t have to be your story.”

In her groundbreaking new book Framed: Women in the underworld of the family courtDr. Christine M. Cocchiola and Amy Polacko expose gender injustice in family courts. Using the stories of 22 real women from the US, UK, Canada and Australia, the authors shed light on how women can be blamed, arrested, abused and even lose custody of their children – to their abusers.

The book was released on October 1, the first day of National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. Both Cocchiola and Polacko are domestic violence survivors who work in this area and wanted to do something by writing this exposé. The authors hope so Framed serves as a call to action for all who care about women’s rights to become actively involved in the reform movement, particularly at the state level.

“This book is a five-alarm warning for all women who are dating, marrying or divorcing,” said Polacko, a divorce and post-separation abuse coach as well as a award-winning journalist. “Most people have no idea what really happens when you get divorced – until they find themselves in the world of family court. It’s a playground for perpetrators.

“We are incredibly grateful to our 22 brave contributors Framed. Their stories of domestic violence are not anomalies and we hope all women protect themselves during National Domestic Violence Awareness Month by reading FRAMED,” said Cocchiola, a physician and world-renowned expert on coercive control. “This book shows how our family court becomes an extension of the perpetrator and exerts even more coercive control over the victim.”

The following is an excerpt from Framed.


Spiritual abuse

Lucy, United States

In 2020, at the height of quarantine during the global COVID-19 pandemic, I told my abuser that I wanted a divorce. He responded with pure hatred and increased his insults. My abuser prevented me from leaving the house for a month, blocked my access to money, used the children as weapons against me, turned my friends against me, and conspired with church leaders during daily, hour-long phone calls. They worked together to get me institutionalized.

The next month he started an argument between me and my son at bedtime, making up a scene and a story so outrageous that I was brought home in handcuffs by my children. Since I had no money and no family nearby, I stayed with a friend in the area. I thought it would be a few days, but it ended up being five months. After the arrest, my abuser composed a narrative of mistakes and shortcomings that had come to light during my years under duress and used them to justify his cruelty.

He banned all contact with my children by issuing restraining orders and refused to budge unless I agreed to plead guilty to the false charges and seek inpatient psychiatric treatment. There was an eight month total separation, no contact between me and my children due to his disability, aggressive legal strategies, and years of court closures due to COVID.

After seeing the children for three hours a week with a court-appointed guardian, my abuser began accusing me and the guardian of abusing my children. For two and a half years I endured weekly three-hour supervised visits.

So much time has passed that I wonder if there will still be children at the end.

Lucy

After the children visited me, my tormentor interrogated the children. He made it almost impossible to plan my parental leave. He blocked everything and caused complete stagnation. The court then appointed a guardian ad litem (GAL); However, my perpetrator’s delaying tactics meant that I had to wait two years for the final report. The GAL results were clearly in my favor, but it was too late for the children. All three lay in ruins and had to be removed from regular public school classrooms after incidents of racism, hate speech, self-harm, property damage, assault and the need for physical restraint.

The school bought my ex’s story and helped him keep me out of the children’s lives by refusing to speak to me, give information, or allow my involvement, even though the court ordered it. It was the same with the therapists. Other parents contacted me with concerns about my children, some of whom I had never met. A mother was so disturbed to see my youngest son being dragged off the playground by four school staff members kicking and screaming after an incident during field day that she tracked me down and offered to help. Another parent reached out to me and told me that my ex was teaching and condoning the hate speech my children began using at school. A neighbor told me that the police were called because my oldest child was repeatedly screaming for help outside the house. The list goes on and on, but despite the impact of my abuser’s actions on the children, I still can’t get them back.

Our bodies know it, even if we convince ourselves that fear and butterflies cannot coexist. You can, and you can, long for a life with someone dangerous.

Lucy

I haven’t had any contact with one of my sons for almost three years. The court appointed a “therapeutic coordinator” who has decision-making authority and access to records to give the children the help they need and to ensure reunification between me and my children. She has made progress. The children are doing much better. I leave my youngest son unsupervised almost 50 percent of the time. The majority of legal disputes are resolved.

However, time continues to pass and my abuser continues to withhold the children, manipulate them and use them as weapons to maintain separation from me. I spent $600,000 in legal fees because my parents generously gave me their entire retirement to fight for my children. But so much time has passed that I wonder if there will still be children at the end. They are quickly approaching manhood and there is no end to the divorce in sight. Trial dates have been pushed back by more than a year and custody decisions depend on the success or failure of ongoing reunification efforts. The four-year anniversary of the utter destruction of my children and my life is upon us and the court cannot contain the warpath that my abuser continues to pursue.

I tell my story in the hope that it can illustrate the devastation that occurs in families when the institutions designed to protect the vulnerable are broken. My situation illustrates the need for change in the family court system and serves as a cautionary tale. Women have strong intuition that can either be nurtured or silenced. In the fog of youth, promise and romance, it’s easy to ignore our internal warning systems and get carried away.

But I swear on my soul that even when we convince ourselves that fear and butterflies cannot coexist, our bodies know it. You can, and you can, long for a life with someone dangerous.

Nurture your voice and find a way to become strong so they cannot destroy the gifts you have brought into the world. Making yourself small to accommodate other people’s anger doesn’t end well. I had to lose everything to learn this, but that doesn’t have to be your story.

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